i'm out!!... with no looking back!!!....

March 13, 2009 Sunny

Today my mood is in a extremely bad condition, unspokable, silent but yet extremely bad tempered. cos to the bad attitude from my boss and also my father. I see no future in this career under his control. although now is in a very bad economic period, but i choose to become unemployed. frustration? uncertain? or simply despair? or is the combination of this? Don't ask, I really don't know, and really don't like to speak out, just like my normal attitude. But, in fact, I really want to cry, alone, when I am driving or laying down at bed, alone.

Beyonce's Listen had sang out so true for me:

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release
Oh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed inside and turned
Into your own all cause you won't listen
Listen, I am alone at a crossroad
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say
What's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gonna find my own


This happened for quite a period and I realised it. Nothing changed. and yet all have beed pressured up by more noise, argument, and complaints from the family. The feeling of 'I'm not home in my own home' is building up days by days. I have a perspective that remain silent and not make much noise can provide a good 'home' environment for member to live on. but really, this is totally wrong. It's end up with what's going wrong might get worse and what remains silent will get deeper in trouble.

A quote from long yin-tai, famous writer and commentor from Taiwan:

家，一不小心就变成一个没有温暖，只有压迫的地方。外面的世界固然荒凉，但是家却可以更寒冷。一个人固然寂寞，两个人孤灯下无言相对却可以更寂寞。
Home, unconsciously will become a place without warmest, and a place only with pressure. The world outside although is cold, but home can be even colder. A single person can be lonely, but two person under the light without any words can be more lonely

Is this what I found the best to describe in my mind? or it triggerred the feeling from the bottom of my heart? anyway, this feeling is terrible and very scary, worse than challenges and hurt from the outside world. you can simply leave and fight in the outside world, but what can you do in a family? blood-bond, can be constrastly, in very good and also in very bad.

I really felt that my career or work I doing now, sorry is just previously, really show no satisfaction and sense of success, nor good exposure and return. what in return might be greater financial debts, higher frustrations, despair, pressure and disappointments. I definitely choose for the wrong way for the past 5 years.

this period appear few times in my mind to leave this world, or reality. never before in my life. and I found that I have the exact symptom. y this world is so cold, unconcerning me and yet pressure me and so demanding from me and yet paying back with cruelty. where is God, from any religion will do??... who writing or creating the man destiny??... or karma??... what life means for??.... what is mean by hope, future??.... who knows?? who can provide me an answer??...

now, I am out, totally out!!... with no regrets and no looking back. I more willing to suffer the cold from the outside world rather than the cold inside the 'home'...

hey friend, don't ask and pursue me to speak... u know i won't... just let me drink and aneathetize myself, at least for a moment, or until the world change back!!!....