March 13, 2009 Sunny
Today my mood is in a extremely bad condition, unspokable, silent but yet extremely bad tempered. cos to the bad attitude from my boss and also my father. I see no future in this career under his control. although now is in a very bad economic period, but i choose to become unemployed. frustration? uncertain? or simply despair? or is the combination of this? Don't ask, I really don't know, and really don't like to speak out, just like my normal attitude. But, in fact, I really want to cry, alone, when I am driving or laying down at bed, alone.
Beyonce's Listen had sang out so true for me:
Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release
Oh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed inside and turned
Into your own all cause you won't listen
Listen, I am alone at a crossroad
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say
What's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gonna find my own
This happened for quite a period and I realised it. Nothing changed. and yet all have beed pressured up by more noise, argument, and complaints from the family. The feeling of 'I'm not home in my own home' is building up days by days. I have a perspective that remain silent and not make much noise can provide a good 'home' environment for member to live on. but really, this is totally wrong. It's end up with what's going wrong might get worse and what remains silent will get deeper in trouble.
A quote from long yin-tai, famous writer and commentor from Taiwan:
家，一不小心就变成一个没有温暖，只有压迫的地方。外面的世界固然荒凉，但是家却可以更寒冷。一个人固然寂寞，两个人孤灯下无言相对却可以更寂寞。
Home, unconsciously will become a place without warmest, and a place only with pressure. The world outside although is cold, but home can be even colder. A single person can be lonely, but two person under the light without any words can be more lonely
Is this what I found the best to describe in my mind? or it triggerred the feeling from the bottom of my heart? anyway, this feeling is terrible and very scary, worse than challenges and hurt from the outside world. you can simply leave and fight in the outside world, but what can you do in a family? blood-bond, can be constrastly, in very good and also in very bad.
I really felt that my career or work I doing now, sorry is just previously, really show no satisfaction and sense of success, nor good exposure and return. what in return might be greater financial debts, higher frustrations, despair, pressure and disappointments. I definitely choose for the wrong way for the past 5 years.
this period appear few times in my mind to leave this world, or reality. never before in my life. and I found that I have the exact symptom. y this world is so cold, unconcerning me and yet pressure me and so demanding from me and yet paying back with cruelty. where is God, from any religion will do??... who writing or creating the man destiny??... or karma??... what life means for??.... what is mean by hope, future??.... who knows?? who can provide me an answer??...
now, I am out, totally out!!... with no regrets and no looking back. I more willing to suffer the cold from the outside world rather than the cold inside the 'home'...
hey friend, don't ask and pursue me to speak... u know i won't... just let me drink and aneathetize myself, at least for a moment, or until the world change back!!!....
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
happy and unhappy, can be paradoxically exist in the same time... =(
March 12, 2009 Hot, but expected to rain heavily in late afternoon
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Dedicating Leona Lewis - Footprints in the Sand
March 07, 2009 Rainy
Dedicating this song to all my best friends and wish them all the best!!... =)
Title: Footprints in the Sand
Artist: Leona Lewis
You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I'm going
You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much unknown along the way
Then I heard you say
I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled
with sorrow and despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints
in the sand
I see my life
Flash across the sky
So many times have I
Been so afraid ooh
And just when I
Have thought I've lost my way
You give me strength to carry on
That's when I heard you say
I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled
with sorrow and despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints
in the sand
but in our life, how many friends that can really willing to carry you when your heart is filled with sorrow and despair??
or in paradox, the footprints of a friend just a mark in the sand? unable to last long after wind and wave. what is left is just an un-scarred land of sand, no matter how depth and remarkable the prints were....
which theory should I believe? =(
Dedicating this song to all my best friends and wish them all the best!!... =)
Title: Footprints in the Sand
Artist: Leona Lewis
You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I'm going
You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much unknown along the way
Then I heard you say
I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled
with sorrow and despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints
in the sand
I see my life
Flash across the sky
So many times have I
Been so afraid ooh
And just when I
Have thought I've lost my way
You give me strength to carry on
That's when I heard you say
I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled
with sorrow and despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints
in the sand
but in our life, how many friends that can really willing to carry you when your heart is filled with sorrow and despair??
or in paradox, the footprints of a friend just a mark in the sand? unable to last long after wind and wave. what is left is just an un-scarred land of sand, no matter how depth and remarkable the prints were....
which theory should I believe? =(
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
25 Random Things About Me =)
~~~ Copied from Facebook Note.. =)
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 10 people to be tagged (it was originally 25, but I could only think of 10 people). You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you!
I was tagged by Esther Shai.
1. I am wondering what esther want to find out from me. (scary!!... =S)
2. I am thinking that to write here and I found that I have only few things to share and wondering can I finish this 25 facts.
3. For the last week, I having flu and sore throat.
4. The sick get worse e'time after had beer and I drank few times during the sick period. =(
5. I have quite a lot of friends, but only a few are really good enough to share story... (cheers!!!.... =D)
6. Definitely, Geoffrey is one of the few... but now he busy taking care of his wife... =(
7. I like few friends gather together and have a nice chat rather than noisy environment. (maybe this can considered psycologically aged... =(.... )
8. I am quite a boring guy and shy facing the stranger or non-familiar person, yet can be very talkative with friends or right topics.
9. So, whoever want me to talk more, please be initiative... =P haha....
10. I studied engineering in my degree, but I think I didn't perform the engineer's duties even for a day.... haha....
11. And I get my MBA after degree, once again, rarely use the knowledge for my current job now.... (cool man!!... sometimes I thinking where can I utilise the knowledge.... )
12. I like songs from Rihanna, Beyonce and Chang-Hui Mei. ( so sad, Rihanna been whacked recently..)
13. I prefer somehow sad songs, especially those that can touch people heart.
14. I like to read book and I read a lot, and I hardly can sleep without read something.
15. There are more than 200 books in my bookshelf and I read almost all. but some books only flip few pages. (wow!....)
16. Sometimes I like to shop for books, and throw it aside after that. The books end up displaying in other people bookshelf =(
17. I don't like to read magazine, cos it looks so complicated and colourful, make me confuse where to start the reading and hard to concentrete... hehe...
18. After seeing many good friend getting married or having a stable relationship, I worrying for my relatioship future also.... man!.. It's first time happen in my lifetime!!...
19. Perhaps that my worry had give them some signs, or they are too free, recently many of my friends tend to introduce girlfriends for me.... =S
20. I love good food, and able to consume a lot of it although normally I eat not so much.
21. I am very sensitive with my pillow, and always get my neck twisted from sleeping at sofa or other pillow.
22. People say I can drink a lot of alcohol, but I really scared the feeling of drunk.... (yaiks!!...)
23. I am looking for a change in my life, but........
24. I am planning for a vacation now, a lonely, harmony, quiet, unorganised vacation, with only me and my camera.... (yeah!!....)
25. so fast come the 25th fact... who wan to know more about me can message me in private, but preferably with question. I lazy to think what to tell without any directions... =)
Cheers!!!.... =D
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 10 people to be tagged (it was originally 25, but I could only think of 10 people). You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you!
I was tagged by Esther Shai.
1. I am wondering what esther want to find out from me. (scary!!... =S)
2. I am thinking that to write here and I found that I have only few things to share and wondering can I finish this 25 facts.
3. For the last week, I having flu and sore throat.
4. The sick get worse e'time after had beer and I drank few times during the sick period. =(
5. I have quite a lot of friends, but only a few are really good enough to share story... (cheers!!!.... =D)
6. Definitely, Geoffrey is one of the few... but now he busy taking care of his wife... =(
7. I like few friends gather together and have a nice chat rather than noisy environment. (maybe this can considered psycologically aged... =(.... )
8. I am quite a boring guy and shy facing the stranger or non-familiar person, yet can be very talkative with friends or right topics.
9. So, whoever want me to talk more, please be initiative... =P haha....
10. I studied engineering in my degree, but I think I didn't perform the engineer's duties even for a day.... haha....
11. And I get my MBA after degree, once again, rarely use the knowledge for my current job now.... (cool man!!... sometimes I thinking where can I utilise the knowledge.... )
12. I like songs from Rihanna, Beyonce and Chang-Hui Mei. ( so sad, Rihanna been whacked recently..)
13. I prefer somehow sad songs, especially those that can touch people heart.
14. I like to read book and I read a lot, and I hardly can sleep without read something.
15. There are more than 200 books in my bookshelf and I read almost all. but some books only flip few pages. (wow!....)
16. Sometimes I like to shop for books, and throw it aside after that. The books end up displaying in other people bookshelf =(
17. I don't like to read magazine, cos it looks so complicated and colourful, make me confuse where to start the reading and hard to concentrete... hehe...
18. After seeing many good friend getting married or having a stable relationship, I worrying for my relatioship future also.... man!.. It's first time happen in my lifetime!!...
19. Perhaps that my worry had give them some signs, or they are too free, recently many of my friends tend to introduce girlfriends for me.... =S
20. I love good food, and able to consume a lot of it although normally I eat not so much.
21. I am very sensitive with my pillow, and always get my neck twisted from sleeping at sofa or other pillow.
22. People say I can drink a lot of alcohol, but I really scared the feeling of drunk.... (yaiks!!...)
23. I am looking for a change in my life, but........
24. I am planning for a vacation now, a lonely, harmony, quiet, unorganised vacation, with only me and my camera.... (yeah!!....)
25. so fast come the 25th fact... who wan to know more about me can message me in private, but preferably with question. I lazy to think what to tell without any directions... =)
Cheers!!!.... =D
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Spring: Season of Break-Up?!.... =S
March 03, 2009 Sunny, Tired...
After so long, today 'accidentally' have the intention to update the blog. previously due to chinese new year, my schedule is pact with preparing, enjoying, having long holidays, visit hatyai, friends, and of course gambling... =P my house was full with 'gamblers', actually they are my parents friends, everyday after Day 9 of Tian Gong, non-stop though chinese new year ends, continue until nearly a month. this year my interest in gambling, with big amount, had drop tremendously. just felt gamble for fun and game, instead of win. a sign of psycologically aged... =( but after chinese new year, i am quite busy for my works too as economy slowdown, need to work harder to earn more money. =D
One of my best friend, S, have broke up with his girl friend, L, who is also one of my good friend, after more than 8 years of relationship... =( sad!!... sad!!... sad!... their conflicts started in first day of chinese new year, and their new year were sure in a total chaos. The whole period of cny was like drama, for outsiders. L had been unfaithful to the relationship since quite a period ago, all just get know of it after this incident.. really unbelievable that an innocent and girl-next-door look lady can be so cruel and betrayed this relationship, with sudden explosion.
K now still cannot accept, nor forget his girlfriend that left him with so cruel and heartless. Anaethetize himself, everyday, with alcohol. Force me to accompany him, few days in a row, with alcohol and encouragement. but i think he hardly can listen as he say he willing to accept her again!!... =S..... although he cannot consider a good guy in my perspective, but surely, his love for L is definitely deep and he treat L with all his best.
zzzz.... very 'fan' while talking about this.... what can i do while the person involved still not willing to come out from this shadow. wat i can do is accompany him and try to let time to cure this wound for him.... but hopefully this won't create another wound in my body.. haha....
besides this extreme case, few friends around me are broke up recently, this spring. spiring surpose to be a season for animals to match, make love and breed. however, this spring seems like a break-up season among my friend network.... =( or perhaps they tend to consider the relationship for longer term and future after some period of engagement.
Cheers!!... and good luck for up-coming relationship =).........
After so long, today 'accidentally' have the intention to update the blog. previously due to chinese new year, my schedule is pact with preparing, enjoying, having long holidays, visit hatyai, friends, and of course gambling... =P my house was full with 'gamblers', actually they are my parents friends, everyday after Day 9 of Tian Gong, non-stop though chinese new year ends, continue until nearly a month. this year my interest in gambling, with big amount, had drop tremendously. just felt gamble for fun and game, instead of win. a sign of psycologically aged... =( but after chinese new year, i am quite busy for my works too as economy slowdown, need to work harder to earn more money. =D
One of my best friend, S, have broke up with his girl friend, L, who is also one of my good friend, after more than 8 years of relationship... =( sad!!... sad!!... sad!... their conflicts started in first day of chinese new year, and their new year were sure in a total chaos. The whole period of cny was like drama, for outsiders. L had been unfaithful to the relationship since quite a period ago, all just get know of it after this incident.. really unbelievable that an innocent and girl-next-door look lady can be so cruel and betrayed this relationship, with sudden explosion.
K now still cannot accept, nor forget his girlfriend that left him with so cruel and heartless. Anaethetize himself, everyday, with alcohol. Force me to accompany him, few days in a row, with alcohol and encouragement. but i think he hardly can listen as he say he willing to accept her again!!... =S..... although he cannot consider a good guy in my perspective, but surely, his love for L is definitely deep and he treat L with all his best.
zzzz.... very 'fan' while talking about this.... what can i do while the person involved still not willing to come out from this shadow. wat i can do is accompany him and try to let time to cure this wound for him.... but hopefully this won't create another wound in my body.. haha....
besides this extreme case, few friends around me are broke up recently, this spring. spiring surpose to be a season for animals to match, make love and breed. however, this spring seems like a break-up season among my friend network.... =( or perhaps they tend to consider the relationship for longer term and future after some period of engagement.
Cheers!!... and good luck for up-coming relationship =).........
Sunday, January 18, 2009
New Year!.. New Resolution?...
January 18, 2009, Sunny
After a long period of laziness to write blog here, finally I have some mood today. well, a new year of 2009 had been past, quietly and quite lonely, for myself. as age grow bigger, the mood and intention to pack, squeeze and...........
March 04, 2009
haiya, forget what to continue after so long... hehe.... give me sometime to refresh.... =P
After a long period of laziness to write blog here, finally I have some mood today. well, a new year of 2009 had been past, quietly and quite lonely, for myself. as age grow bigger, the mood and intention to pack, squeeze and...........
March 04, 2009
haiya, forget what to continue after so long... hehe.... give me sometime to refresh.... =P
Rihanna - Unfaithful
January 18, 2009, Sunny but Sleepy
This are one of my most favourite song for this moment, together with Rihanna - Cry & Beyonce - Listen. I felt that some lyrics really say out my feelings.
Title: Unfaithful
Artist: Rihanna
Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
cause it seems that wrong
really loves my company
Hes more than a man
and this is more than love
the reason that this guy is blue
the clouds are rolling in
because I'm gone again
and to him I just can't be true
and I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
and it kills him inside
to know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
a murderer
I feel it in the air
as I'm doing my hair
preparing for another day
A kiss up on my cheek
He's here reluctantly
as if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A liar didn't have to tell
Because we both know
where I'm about to go
and we know it very well
cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
and it kills him inside
to know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
a murderer
His trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore (anymore)
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
a murderer (a murderer)
No no no no
Yeah yeah yeah
This are one of my most favourite song for this moment, together with Rihanna - Cry & Beyonce - Listen. I felt that some lyrics really say out my feelings.
Title: Unfaithful
Artist: Rihanna
Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
cause it seems that wrong
really loves my company
Hes more than a man
and this is more than love
the reason that this guy is blue
the clouds are rolling in
because I'm gone again
and to him I just can't be true
and I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
and it kills him inside
to know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
a murderer
I feel it in the air
as I'm doing my hair
preparing for another day
A kiss up on my cheek
He's here reluctantly
as if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A liar didn't have to tell
Because we both know
where I'm about to go
and we know it very well
cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
and it kills him inside
to know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
a murderer
His trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore (anymore)
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
a murderer (a murderer)
No no no no
Yeah yeah yeah
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